so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
