I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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