Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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