I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
