i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
