So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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