if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
