Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
