note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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