Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
