now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
