what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
