I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
