I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
