I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
