You don't have asthma, your pregnant
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
