Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
