I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
