OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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