On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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