Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
