I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
