The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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