so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize
