he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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