and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
