Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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