I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
This baby is an asshole
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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