I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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