I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
