apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
