I seem to have left my pride at pride
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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