Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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