Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
