I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
