i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
