If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
