Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
