Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
