Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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