Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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