i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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