Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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