if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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