remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
