Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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