Umm I'm too high to move.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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