she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
