im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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