my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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