That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
