mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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